It's the time of year to make New Year's resolutions, but it seems more and more people aren't bothering with this tradition anymore. Maybe it's because, for most of us, resolutions with the best of intentions on December 31, only to feel bad about ourselves, our resolve and self-discipline by the end of January. Who likes to start a new year feeling bad and disappointed in themselves? There are many reasons why we fail to follow through on our resolutions, but most not are not widely understood.
Here are three important things to know about how to change old habits and create new, desirable ones.
1. Identify the Habit Loop
In his book, The Power of Habit, Charles Duhigg explains that as behaviors become automated they operate on loop. This loop requires a cue, a routine and a reward. The cue is the stimulus which triggers the routine behavior or activity. The reward follows and reinforces the behavior, engaging in that behavior.
Let's say you bite your nails and would like to stop. You are going to need to breakdown and identify the parts of your habit you want to change through careful observation. Maybe you notice that you routinely bite your nails when driving and watching television. These are two cues that trigger your nail biting. Next, you need to figure out what the reward is for that behavior that you want to eliminate. It might be stress! Is it giving you something to do with your hands when you're bored?
After you think you understand the sustaining habit loop it's time to start substituting different routines when the cue occurs. Carrying an alternate behavior to practice in the same situation (or when that will eventually feel rewarding so the loop is complete. Maybe you could fidget with a string of beads or some clay. You can chew gum if you're cue. You could also use lotion to keep your hands busy for a while and use them often so you aren't likely to start gnawing (as you know your nails and hands are well moisturized!
2. Make a Commitment
In her book, Better and Habit Rubin, Loretta Graziano Breuning says it takes 45 consecutive days of doing something differently isn't will change. It becomes rewarding and self-reinforcing behaviors on repetition. The thoughts and behaviors can be reduced to the elaborate connections made between thousands of neurons in our brain. And just as it is required to navigate with painstaking intention through the forest path, through repetitions, we lay down a new, alternate pathway. Research suggests that for most behaviors this takes a minimum of 45 days of repeated effort.
The 45-Day Challenge
Remembering to practice the new response can be the most challenging part. So find a way to remind yourself to be mindful and practice the new habit. For example, if you wish to start exercising to keep a tab of your daily efforts. Write on a mirror or window in your bathroom or bed room. Or string together 45 paperclips and take away one every morning when you do your new habit. Be creative and remember to keep the reminder visible so your intention stays strong in the face of the old, easy, default behavior.
3. Meet Your Future Self
Doing things in the present moment that are difficult or unpleasant is hard for everyone. This is why procrastination presents such a huge challenge for most of us. The fear of discomfort or likelihood that you will do something in the present that will be beneficial to you in the future is to make a connection with your future self.
Studies have shown that different parts of the brain are involved in thinking about oneself and thinking about others. Yet, when we think about ourselves in the future, the brain reacts as if we are thinking about another person. That's why it feels so good to spend rather than save. It's as if someone else is going to do it! To prevent this, we need to find ways to connect with our future selves. If you have a long-term goal, like saving money, write your future self a letter to be read an "aging" photo with a photo editing app and use it as a visible reminder of why saving your money for the future is important. Or, you may want to write your future self a letter and post it where weeks, months or years later explaining what you hope for yourself at that point in time. Engage as many of your senses as you can to help yourself in the present feel connected to who you are being in the present.
I'd like to say it will be easy, but it won't. Paying attention and being intentional is difficult work. But if you can visualize the payoff and move toward the change you are making, you will likely feel more worthwhile. The more you put your goal in the forefront of your life for the next several weeks, the more likely you are to accomplish it!
Need Support with Behavior Change?
Making lasting changes can be challenging, especially when you're working through deeper patterns or managing mental health concerns. Our therapists can help you understand the psychology behind your habits and develop personalized strategies for meaningful change.